An Update – 2 years on

So 2 years have passed since my last post, admittedly I’d forgotten this blog even existed which is why I have only just gotten round to updateing. Maybe I’ll take it up again now, use it as a little thought diary.

Update time:

I just had my 21st birthday in November, I’m now on year 2 of the level 3 course and it is so much more fufilling than level 2.

I think I’ve changed a lot in the past few years, reading over my old posts I seemed so Anxious and it seemed like I was always trying too hard to fit in. I’m a lot more confident now, I never did make friends with anyone on level 2, and I think I put way too much energy into worrying about it back then. Once I moved into level 3 there were people I clicked with pretty quickly and as time has gone on I’ve become friends with a few others as well, I even have casual convistaions with some of the people who were on the level 2 course, people that I didn’t speak to for the entire year, but I seem to have a lot in common with. I’m still the eldest in the class, most of the others are 3-4 years younger than me, but it doesn’t usually seem that way.

2 of the friends I’ve made also have high functioning ASD, so we talk about it sometimes and it’s good to be around people who get it.

I’ve started learning both French and Japanese, they help keep me ocuppied and give me something to focus on when I feel figity and anxious and I’ve made some good online friends whilst learning.

Anyway that’s if for now, this was just a quick update, but I may continue posting regularly. If you have any questions leave a comment, it’s always interesting to know if people actully read things I post.

Alice

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New college year…

Dealing with humans….

Hey, haven’t had much to post about for a while so sorry for the long absence.

I’ve just moved over to a new college and started my course this week. I went in kind of expecting to make friends quickly (I did last year and the year before), but this year it’s seeming a bit more difficult, not only have quite a few people on my course just come from school (which makes them nearly 3 years younger than I am, I feel so old), but over the last few days they seem to have dispersed into small groups which I never experienced at my last college. Anyway, because of this ‘grouping’ system that seems to be going on and the fact that I’m antisocial as all hell I have no idea who to talk to and what about.

 Day one:

I think I’ve made friends with a couple of girls, but sometimes I feel like I’m just following them around and being annoying, but I’m not sure if that’s just me being over anxious.

Day two:

On my second day I kind of made friends with one of the boys, we talked throughout one of the classes and hung out at lunch because we both recognised each other from somewhere, but had no idea where (I will admit I really regret some of the subjects we talked about in one of our first conversations and have been cringing about it even up to this moment)

My second cringe of the day, I fell up the stairs and nearly killed someone with my water bottle because I was 8 floors up on a spiral staircase which it decided to fall strait though. Luckily a nice guy ran down and grabbed it for me so I didn’t have to walk all the way back down.

Cringe number 3: (going to start up a counter for cringes this month)

C3: I…. prepare your self for something strait out of a bad, really cliché sitcom….. I threw a coffee at someone by mistake (God dam you dyspraxia!) and kept apologising like a massive dork, this is the best first week ever (!).

Day three:

Went in for a half day today. Got put in a GCSE group without ether of the girls because I’m on a higher paper and being too shy to sit at the table with the loud boys who were from my class (I have a really good idea that they were the class clowns before leaving school), I sat by myself (which always guaranties you’ll make friends (!) ) I didn’t really talk to anyone and when it came for me to introduce myself and say something I enjoy or do at home I forgot how to speak  C4.

Anyway that’s my week so far, I blame it all on the heat(!) Hope I didn’t bore you with this post and you got a bit of a laugh out of me screwing up and making a myself look like an idiot.

If you have any similar experienced or any advise on how to deal with meeting new people and making new friends, leave a comment.

Alice x 
PS. Sorry for any errors but this was typed up on a phone so I’ll go though it for mistakes when I have computer access.

First day back after easter holidays

Had a really bad allergic reaction yesterday, I swelled up all over and a one point I couldn’t breath. My boyfriend helped me reduce the swelling with ice packs and it all went down, but today my mother had to take the 2 hour drive to get me from college because my face Swolen up again so bad that it looked like I’d been beaten up. Called the gp and now I just have to wait and see if my throat closes up again, in which case I will need to call an ambulance.

What a joy my first day back has been.

Alice x

Anxiety support

Reaching out.


 

Sometimes I’m up into the late hours of the night panicking and crying thinking something going to happen or questioning why I’m even alive, it’s nights like this that stir up both my Anxiety and My depression, Even for days or weeks afterwards I feel the effects, I worry, I think I’m going to die, I find entertainment in nothing, I contemplate weather I’m better off dieing now anyway than living a boring joyless life filled with pills, mental illness and loss, I worry that I’ll never amount to anything and that my dreams are just pointless goals to keep me detracted from the inevitability of death, that my dreams, if I do get them don’t please me and I still feel this aching boredom.

It’s on nights like this that I am grateful to have my amazing boyfriend who stays up until the wee hours of the morning with me comforting me and telling me it will all be all right even when he’s at home and it’s just over the internet and even when he has work at 6 am the next day. I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but I don’t know what I would do without him there for me. If I didn’t have him around for he last few years I probably would have done a strait nose dive into the ground.

😥

It’s this that makes me feel sorry for people who have no one to talk to even the very thought of that makes me feel like I’m going to go insane. So if anyone here who is reading this is suffering and suffering alone I implore you to reach out to someone, anyone, friends,family,teachers,there are hundreds of charity with chat lines set up and if you see your GP they may recommend someone. Just please don’t suffer alone because I know how much that hurts and I promise you that having someone who will stand by you will help .


And if you really do have no one or don’t know what to do, message me and I’ll help all I can :).

Alice x

“Autism” clubs

Just a thought

Now I don’t want to bash the nice people who set these up for autistic people to help them socialise more, but my issue with these clubs are that they are very general when it comes to the autistic spectrum and 99.99% of the time are mainly attended by people who have more severe autism opposed to people who are high functioning and mainly just have social issues, not that I have any problem with people who have severe autism but the thing with being high functioning is you tend to be more intelligent than even average people, you just don’t sound it because of the social problems. So trying to make friends with people with severe autumn works just as well as it would for someone without mental illnesses trying to do the same, you just can’t connect with them.

So the bottom line problem is that there aren’t enough clubs and opportunities for people with high functioning autism to meet each other and make friends who are like them.

Alice x

Neck deep in assignments (Quick update)

I can only concentrate at college


 

So I’m behind on quite a few assignment from my last semester because of time off due to my mental illnesses, I know I need to get them finished, but my ADHD just wont let me, every time I try at home something else comes up, the computer screen starts making me feel ill or I get distracted by studying for my JPLT Exam (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) I’ve been teaching myself French and Japanese at home (Which has noting to do with my course), but sometimes they’re too distracting even though I know my college work comes first, my mind does not. It seems like I can only concentrate in college.

Today I’ve been trying to to do one of my new assignments for this semester that’s due in in March, it’s not high priority right now compared to others but I’m waiting for the group support session on Monday so I can get help on the past ones.

I don’t have much time left, but I think I may have to fight to get a time extension on the grounds that I wasn’t given the support I needed. Hopefully they will give it to me and I won’t have to appeal getting kicked out because as I’ve said I need to pass this course to get on the course I want to do next year.



 

Alice x

8 Days and counting 8 Days and freaking out.

So I have 8 days left until my whole semester of work is due in. After trying multiple times to  find the semester 1 work on the college website and quite a few emails to my teacher with no replies (Surprise surprise) I still have none of the pile done, I return to college on Monday, So now I’m just going to have to give the support team one last chance to at least pretend they want to help. But the pressure is getting to me, I haven’t been able to sleep for the past 2 days and I can’t focus on anything because the lack of sleep has made my ADHD go through the roof (I’m surprised I could even write this post), Not to mention what it’s done for my depression.

So thanks again education system for messing with my head.


[Rant over]

Alice x

Bad Teachers

Okay, now I’ve had quite a few bad experiences with bad teachers but I will fill you all in in later posts.


I’m currently on my second year of college, I’ve never had very good attendance because of my mental illnesses, particularly my anxiety, but the last few months it’s gotten worse, at first because they started playing with my anti-anxiety/anti-depression pills which made me worse before they made me any better. Then just getting back into the swing of things just got really hard for me. This is where the first few complaints started, my mother received messages from my Tutor saying that I needed to be in more even though all my absences were authorised by calling in and were to do with my mental illnesses. So I tried catching up by contacting the learning support through E-mail, I sent 3 Emails and only got 1 reply which didn’t even have the information I needed. So I still didn’t get the learning support catch up session that I requested. 2 weeks later we were in group seminar (Which is basically a catch up lesion with the teachers) I asked my tutor about some of the work that she had said I hadn’t completed and she just looked at the part I did have say “This isn’t the whole thing” sigh and wiped her head and then walked away to another student. Later that lesion as I was trying to do another assignment (Which again they wouldn’t help me on) When I noticed a boy in my class who I knew was also autistic was refusing to do his work because he simply wasn’t in the mood, at this point he had all three teachers around him trying to persuade him to do it and trying to help him with work, one even offering to take him to a quiet room alone and work though it all with him. I had been sat there for nearly an hour trying to do my work and trying to get help and I got ignored, He refuses to even try and they all fuss him, What did they want? Did they want me to throw a tantrum as well? Then would I get the support that they promised me at the beginning of the year claiming it was “One of the best colleges  in the country when it comes to special needs” If it was I would hate to see one of the worst.

Screenshot 2016-02-20 01.05.46
The first Email (Marked out for piracy reasons).

So anyway, the insanity continued a week later when finally (At this point I was even more behind) I got put in a support session with a few other people from my class. I was with a nice learning support lady who was probably the only teacher I liked because she was the only one who actually helped and told me what I was supposed to do on my assignments (Or so I thought) With her help I finished around 6 assignments in 2 hours (I work better in bulk.

Later on at a meeting  with my mum they said I was too behind and that I had a whole semester of work to catch up on. My mum said that’s fine as I’ve always been better at catch up than regular work because again I work better in bulk. But they were saying I would be kicked out if it wasn’t done a week after half term (2 weeks) So my mum brought the work home as well as the list of assignments I still need to complete and Every single one that I had done with the learning support lady (And Emailed in) said “No Submission” Due to this over half term I have been unable to do my work because I’m unsure of what I have and haven’t done. So when I go back if I don’t get given extra time I will only have a week to do a semester of work as well as keeping up with new work with no support.

I would also like to mention that at the meeting my tutor said that she didn’t think my illnesses were that bad and basically said that she didn’t think I had anything wrong with me as well as that she said that she fully understands me as she was tested for autism as a teenager (Didn’t say she was diagnosed),  But there’s also the fact that SHE IS A TEACHER she has to stand up in front of a group of people and talk every working day as well as tell people off and badger people for work (Which she is extremely good at).

Sorry if this post was a bit ranty, but I’m really stressed and I have to pass this course as it is the conditional to get on to the course I actually want to do.


Any questions or similar experiences? Tell me in the comments.

Alice x

Why I made this blog~

Hello, my name is Alice. I’m 18 years old and I have high functioning autism as well as ADHA, Anxiety, Depression and and OCD (And the list goes on) and I made this blog to document and share my experiences and struggles through life.

I can also answer most questions about autism and anxiety, I say most because I’m not an expert, I just know things that could be useful because as well as my personal experiences I also grew up with and autistic brother and spent a lot of time around other ADHD/Anxiety/Depression sufferers so I know how it can effect different people differently and how different people cope with the issues they cause.

Anyway that’s all I can really say for now, Hope you enjoy my blog and find some use of it if that’s what you’re looking for.

Alice x